Teen Dating Violence 
While most teens are clear about the black and white issues of relationship abuse, many are less clear about the gray areas of behavior that indicate warning signs, such as harassment or emotional abuse. Though most teens say they would get involved if they saw obvious physical or sexual abuse, they are less comfortable intervening when the abuse is less overt. Their instinct tells them it is wrong, but they do not have the tools or resources they need to intervene.
SO WHAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP ARE YOU IN?
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Communicate openly with you when there are problems?
- Give you space to spend time with your friends and family?
- Supportive and respectful?
If you answered yes to these questions, it is likely that you are in a healthy relationship. Trust your own instincts about your relationship to keep yourself safe and comfortable.
Or does your boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Control where you go, what you wear, or what you do?
- Try to stop you from seeing or talking to family or friends?
- Call you derogatory names, put you down, or criticize you?
- Threaten or scare you?
- Hit, slap, push, or kick you?
- Force you to do something sexual when you don’t want to?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your health and safety may be at risk. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there are people you can talk to and resources that can help.
There are also local shelters, domestic violence and sexual assault agencies, teen programs, and family violence support groups that can help you stay safe. For more information, call any of these hotlines or ask an adult you trust about your local resources. Remember, you have the right to a violence free relationship. The abuse is NOT your fault.
We have new programs targeting teens between the ages of 13 and 18 that are designed to encourage and empower them to recognize and reject unhealthy, potentially abusive relationships in their own lives and the lives of their peers. Ultimately, the objective of these programs is to interrupt the cycle of violence and prevent future incidents of domestic and/or sexual violence in this and future generations. Email Bill@PSGhelps.org for more information
If at any time you feel that you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Below are national hotlines that can help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:
Let’s talk about Victims and Abusers
Traits of a victim:
- Constantly cancels plans for reasons that don't sound true
- Always worries about making his/her boy/girlfriend angry
- Gives up things that are important
- Shows signs of physical abuse, like bruises or cuts
- Gets pressured into having sex
Traits of an abuser:
- Insults his/her significant other in public
- Checks in on the other constantly
- Blows disagreements out of proportion
- Blames the other for his/her own problems
- Abuses drugs and/or alcohol
Why abusers abuse:
- Abuse is a choice. Abusers know what they are doing and what they want.
- Abusers may lack control over their own life and attempt to control a partner to ease personal insecurities.
- Anger and violence may seem like a normal way to express frustration if the abuser was once a victim.
- They use excuses like, "I was having a bad day," and, "I didn't mean to hurt her/him."
Why victims stay:
- Deep feelings for the abuser, and believing the relationship isn't entirely bad
- Thinking things might change and get better
- Abusers promise the behavior will never happen again
- Abusers may blame the victim as though it is his/her fault
- A victim may feel that he/she can do no better
- Worrying that threats will become a reality
What if your friend is a Victim or Abuser
Help a victim
- Do get medical attention for a victim if the relationship becomes physically abusive.
- Do offer your unconditional friendship and support.
- Talk to them about their strengths.
- By rebuilding his/her confidence it easier to visualize being out of the relationship
- Do be clear that you are there to listen, and not to judge.
- There is an important balance between expressing concern and telling someone what to do.
- Encourage them to express their feelings and make their own decisions.
- He/she is smart for acknowledging the abusive behavior.
- Do tell your friend the abuse is not their fault
- Stress that he/she does not deserve the abuse and that abuse is NEVER acceptable.
- Remind her/him often that you are there for support whenever necessary.
- Do accept what he/she tells you.
- Do encourage the victim to build a support system.
- A wide-reaching support system includes parents, teachers, counselors, and other friends.
- A safety plan is a good place to start.
- Don't spread gossip.
- Gossip can put a victim in danger if it gets back to the abuser, so think before you speak.
- Your friend has taken a big step in coming to you—it is critical that they can trust you with confidential information.
- Don't directly confront the abuser.
- Don't blame your friend for the abuse.
- Don't rush or make them do something.
- Leaving an abusive situation usually takes time and isn't something to rush.
- Be there and be patient, so the victim can emerge from the problem on his/her own timetable.
- Don't force your friend do something s/he may feel uncomfortable doing.
- The victim needs to make his/her own decisions. It's okay to be persuasive, but never to get angry.
- Don't try to end the relationship for them
- Don't criticize your friend or his/her partner.
- Even if you disagree with his/her choices. This may isolate your friend even more by making them feel that no one approves, or that they have to hide their relationship.
Help an abuser
- Do talk to the abuser if you feel safe doing so.
- Do recognize and praise the good behaviors.
- Do encourage them to be honest.
- Do help them clarify their feelings.
- Do encourage them to talk to a counselor.
- Don't condone the abuse.
- Don't get stuck in the middle.
- Don't reject your friend, just the behavior.
- Don't encourage abuse.
Risks
Getting involved puts pressure on you to support your friend.
Your friend may get upset.
You might not see results right away.
Create a Teen Safety Plan
You have the right to a violence free relationship. No matter what your boyfriend/girlfriend says the abuse is NOT your fault. If your safety is at risk, create a plan to keep yourself safe and find the support you need.
Here are some safety tips:
- Call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 866-331-9474 and talk someone trained to help you plan ahead and stay safe after you have ended your relationship.
- Talk to someone you trust, such as a friend, a family member, teacher, or coach.
- Choose a code word and use it to discreetly tell the people you trust that you are in danger and need immediate help.
- Pick a safe and secret location where a friend or family member can pick you up.
- If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. If you decide to break up in person, do it in a public place and ask someone you trust to be nearby in case you need them.
- Think independently and trust your instincts. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something that's not right for you.
- Learn the best route to get to a safe location. If you have a car, keep your gas tank full and if you rely on public transportation, learn which buses, trains, or subways will get you to safety.
Here are some things that you should make sure that you have readily available
- Cash
- ATM cards/checkbooks
- Drivers License/ Passport/Government IDs
- Medications
- Eyeglasses/Contact lenses
- Mobile phone
- Keys
- Legal documents, like a restraining order
- A change of clothes
- If leaving with children, try to bring the normal baby things but also birth certificates medicines and medical records with you:
The decision to leave your boyfriend/girlfriend is a tough one. For many people, the break up is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Emotions are running high and your boyfriend/girlfriend might become angry, even violent, when they learn they are losing control. Now, more than ever, it is important that you find support.
Help Lines
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
866-331-9474
www.loveisrespect.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
800-787-3224 TTY
www.ndvh.org
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline
800-656-HOPE (4673)
www.rainn.org
Websites
www.PSGhelps.org
http://www.acadv.org/dating
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
http://attleboropolice.org/teendating.htm
www.loveisnotabuse.org
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